Rose and Thorn

Friday Five

2012-02-10T16:23:00.003-05:00

Hello my lovelies! I hope Friday has been treating you well!

Things that have been going on:

1. I am glad that the work day is over- it appears my lovely fiance gave me an upper respiratory infection, and I'll definitely be glad to get into bed at the end of the day. I am all kinds of achy and full of sniffles.

2. I'm mulling over the following Al Anon slogan: "What other people think of me is none of my business." This is a radical shift. It says to me that I then have to focus on what I think of me, and what I think of others...which makes me think of shifting the meaning of the word "self-centered" away from the concept of selfishness, moving toward being centered in self.

3. I think I'm going to go to the Carnegie Museum of Art and the Carnegie Museum of Natural History this weekend for some food for my soul.

4. This made me laugh today. A Softer World, you had me at hello. The mouseover on this one is great, too, and it makes me hug my little ball of fur just that much tighter.

5. Here's your horoscope from Free Will Astrology. For the Lovely Leos out there, Rob writes: "I'd love for you to be able to always give the best gifts you have to give without worrying about whether they will be received in the spirit with which you offer them. But that's just not realistic. I would also be ecstatic if you never had to tone down your big, beautiful self out of fear that others would be jealous or intimidated. And yet that's not a rational possibility, either. Having said that, though, I do want to note that now and then both of those pleasurable scenarios can prevail for extended lengths of time. And I believe you're now in one of those grace periods."

Personal Responsibility: Making it Sacred

2012-02-07T21:57:00.000-05:00

Some rights reserved by Tracey Holland

“The wounding becomes sacred when we are willing to release our old stories and to become the vehicles through which the new story may emerge into time. When we fail to do this, we repeat the same old story over and over again.” ~ Jean Houston

I was all set to sit down and write a post about personal responsibility tonight...but I've just gotten home from witnessing a friend's reading of her memoir at Duquesne University, and I want to write about that experience. Maybe I'll really end up writing about personal responsibility after all...I guess we'll see by the end of the post, right?

Watching L tonight, I was reminded of the guts it takes to tell a story- to tell it well, to nudge the important details out of hiding, to make room for all the flavors to arrive at the table at just the right moments. It takes even more bravery to tell a personal story- to take a bit of a real and lived life and roll it about in one's hands until an idea emerges, and then roll it about long enough so that a relatable theme peeks its head out, and then to roll it around even longer than that so the story becomes not only relatable, but transformative for both writer and audience.

In writing personal experience into story, and then sharing that story with an audience, L was brave. She took her personal story, her personal pain, and offered it up, laid it on the altar of life, and thus, made it sacred.

This was High Magic. This was taking personal responsibility to the next level by Making Sacred the Wound*, choosing to let life and its pain inform and transform instead of bind and confine. The process calls to mind a seed, breaking open to reach for the light. I cannot think of a better way to discuss personal responsibility than to discuss this sort of sacrifice - the choice to take our experiences, no matter how painful, and sacrifice them to the process of living.

Tonight, I am reminded: we have a choice to reach beyond our containers. We are not root-bound.

*- More on the idea of the Sacred Wound can be found in Diana's Grove's discussion of the Cornerstones of Community in the Bones of Mystery School packet.

This seriously passed?

2012-02-06T11:22:00.001-05:00

"Pennsylvania declares 2012 the Year of the Bible by unanimous House vote."

Seriously?

I'm upset by this. If you are, too, sign the petition to repeal House Resolution No. 535 below:

Change.org|Start an Online Petition »

To Light the Fire, To Tend the Well

2012-02-02T22:49:00.003-05:00

Semele by John Duncan (1921)

Imbolc is one of my favorite holidays. I have always been drawn to Brighid, and she was the first Goddess I pledged myself to in service. This holiday also marks the anniversary of my Reclaiming Initiation (January 30th marked two years), the anniversary of my decision to show myself that I mean business.

"Meaning business" has meant so many things over the past two years. It has shown up in decisions to unravel old patterns and leave old associations behind. It has show up in my courting joy and my desire to define my life outside of victimhood. It has show up in my writing and my loving and my return to slow, calm breathing when the going gets tough.

The past year has been especially challenging. I've been weaving the pleasant with the unpleasant and learning to live within both. I'm finding that, in accepting all of life (even the shittier, scarier parts) I'm actually living. In giving up trying to be better than, above it, perfect, I'm finding out who I really am, and that person is simultaneously surprising and generally a good egg. In letting the reins go I've found that the horse is better behaved than I could have ever dreamed and knows her way home.

So this year, I'm pledging to Brighid that I will be real, even when that is messy...that I will be myself, even when it's humbling. This year, the focus in "I mean business" has shifted from the "business" to the "I". Real people light the fires, real people tend the wells.

Be Brave

2012-01-09T07:00:00.004-05:00

Driving home from the gym this morning, looking at the beautiful full moon hanging in the sky, I'm reminded of this quote:

"It takes courage to anticipate joy." ~Wendy Froud

I'm feeling pretty brave today. I hope you are too.

Wendy Gets Wise

2012-01-05T14:57:00.003-05:00

Not in the business of

sewing on shadows

gonna tend my own garden

gonna pluck my own rose.

Ecstatic Witchcraft Workshop in Pittsburgh

2011-12-30T10:29:00.001-05:00

Ecstatic Witchcraft: Why Bother?

Interested in witchcraft? Curious about the difference between Ecstatic traditions (Feri, Reclaiming) and British Traditional Witchcraft? We will be hosting a six class workshop that will include:

- introduction to the class, and a brief history of witchcraft/paganism
- a discussion on the myths surrounding paganism
- an overview of major pagan religions (a quick and dirty run-through)
- an overview and discussion of British Traditional Witchcraft and Wicca
- an overview and discussion of Ecstatic Witchcraft (Feri and the Reclaiming Tradition)
- a Reclaiming-style ecstatic ritual

Who should attend: This will be the first of several workshops offered in the Reclaiming Tradition so anyone interested in getting a better understanding of Reclaiming-style witchcraft is encouraged to attend. Those that are curious about paganism are also welcome.

About the instructors:

Lora: A Reclaiming-identified Witch for over 13 years (and a Pittsburgher for 6!) Lora’s passions are community building, divination, ecstatic ritual, poetry, and whatever good book has currently captured her attention. Committed to teaching in the Pittsburgh pagan community, Lora brings her experiences in leadership training, small group facilitation, trance techniques, and ritual arts to the teaching table.

Pamela: A non-trad identified Witch since … um, I should know this, huh ... 2000/2001? Focus on the Reclaiming/Feri path since 2009. Practitioner of American Folk Witchcraft encompassing herbs, oils, candles, and whatnots. Co-leader of a local CUUPs group for almost 8 years, co-leader of a monthly Pagan Spirituality class for same. Worked to plan, solicit vendors/advertisers, organize, and track financials of local Spirit Fair for 3 years. Transitional magic surrounding life/death/rebirth and transformational magic particularly working with shadow energy are my areas of grace. I believe laughter is one of our most effective magical tools.

When:

Sundays, January 22nd, 29th, February 5th, 19th, 26th, and March 4th

Time: 2-5pm

Where: private residence, South Hills area

Fee per class: $10 per class, or $50 if paid in one up-front installment

***Deadline for registration: Wednesday, January 18th***

Things to Bring to Class:
- Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions by River and Joyce Higginbotham
- water bottle
- notebook and pen
- a curious attitude and an open mind

Workshop participants are expected to attend all classes. Space is limited, first come, first served!

Interested? Email witches2brew@gmail.com with the following:

- preferred name and contact information
- a short paragraph on three things that brought you to your current tradition/spiritual path
- a short paragraph on two things that keep you in your current tradition/spiritual path
- a short statement on what interests you about the class or paganism in general

Codependency: My Constant Companion

2011-12-14T10:26:00.001-05:00

Every time I have the desire to reach out to mend the fence, I remember that you've never been good at meeting me half way. Every time I want to make the another effort, I have to remind myself, stop myself, protect myself and my energy.

Bridges are effective when they're built from both sides.

Poetry Whoo Hoo!

2011-11-30T10:50:00.001-05:00

Poetry published in MUST! W00t w00t!

Where have I been?

2011-11-21T16:29:00.001-05:00

I've been writing a poem a day, that's where I've been. I'll resurface with a post after November is over, sweetings!

The Stop-Doing List

2011-11-02T15:37:00.000-04:00

I love the idea of a Stop-Doing List. I am the sort of person that can get pulled in many different directions, losing focus and energy. My plan is to observe my life, noticing over time what to add to this list, hopefully having something comprehensive by the end of the year. Thus far, I have the following items/topics on my Stop Doing List:

1. Checking my email and Facebook accounts multiple times a day

This is pretty much a no-brainer, but if I'm not paying close enough attention, I can spend an extraordinary amount of time checking my email and Facebook accounts during the day. I especially notice that this is a time-sink in the morning before work.

2. Maintaining/investing in relationships that are not reciprocal

It's been an interesting year, one that has included a lot of changes in my behaviors and habits surrounding my relationships to others. With those shifts, relationships that were less than healthy, less than reciprocal, less than fulfilling have fallen to the wayside, and that seems natural and right and still, a little sad. It's been an eye-opener to realize that some relationships don't thrive, that my effort alone cannot/should not sustain unhealthy behavior patterns, and that a two-way street is really my most comfortable route when it comes to choosing companions, friends, and acquaintances. It's time to really put my money where my mouth is and only put my focus on positive, sustaining relationships that make me feel nourished and positive about life.

3. Eating foods that make me sick

I've been struggling with a lot of allergies lately, and I'm starting to suspect that a food allergy might be the culprit. Over the next few months, I'm going to attempt to weed out two main allergens that I suspect are contributing to my physical misery, dairy and wheat. I use the word "attempt" because we are in the High Holy Season of Butter and Baked Goods from now until January 1st. I'm not going to make myself miserable attempting some sort of full-on dietary conversion before the first of 2012, but I am going to take steps toward eating foods that I know will help me to feel energized and won't exacerbate my asthma and eczema.

I'm sure I'll add more items to the list, but this seems like a good start. Have you ever thought of making a Stop-Doing List? Can you name off a few things that would be on that list? If so, share your list in the comments!

NoPoeMo

2011-11-02T11:31:00.001-04:00

It's officially NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month...but I'm not participating, as I have no desire to write a novel this year.

Instead, I'm going rogue and doing my own thang with my poetry club. We call it NoPoeMo, or November Poetry Month. We've accepted the challenge to write one poem a day, each day during the month of November. The poems don't have to be good, and we're not allowed to edit them during the month of November. At the end of the month, I should have 30 rough drafts of poems, which sounds pretty flippin' sweet to me.

What creative pursuits have you been pursuing lately? Tell me in the comments!

Morning Thought

2011-10-27T07:19:00.000-04:00

You need no
permission
to love and
be loved.
You are breathing.
It is enough.

I Has An Epiphany

2011-10-19T07:23:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling epiphanated. Yes, that's a made up word - it means "a caffeinated epiphany" - but portmanteau creation is not the point of this post.

I stopped obsessing about romantic relationships in the summer of 2008. I took a year-and-a-day off of being focused on finding the Other, and instead, found myself. I went to therapy, broke many unhealthy relationship patterns, and learned that I loved being single. Now, four years later, I am in a healthy relationship that is headed toward marriage.

Many things changed in that sphere of my life, but all those changes can be boiled down to this: I let go of obsession and control.

Now that I'm working in a 12-Step Program for codependency, I realize I embraced the first three steps in that area of my life. I definitely admitted that my life had become unmanageable, I came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, and I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the Gods. I didn't know it at the time, but for that year, I let those steps work on me.

So, back to epiphany: what if...what if I applied that same formula to other areas of my life that are unmanageable? What if I let go of obsession and control about employment/profession/following my bliss, or with physical health/weight gain? What if I decided to give up obsessing and trying to control in these areas?

I can say this: obsessing and trying to control in these areas of my life hasn't gotten me very far, and still, it's scary as fuck to say ok to letting go and letting life work on me. I stopped looking for a romantic relationship, not on a whim, but as a very specific challenge given to me by my spiritual mentor. Deciding to do this on my own, without "permission" from anyone else, would be a big step toward owning my own true power and releasing my death grip on life*.

I'm right on the edge of this, about to jump. It's just about time for another deep change.

*(more on why I have a death grip in a forthcoming post, "The Fourth Step and How It Socked My Nose Though I Was Intellectually Unconvinced of its Efficacy")

The Journey into Autumn

2011-10-06T11:10:00.001-04:00

Some rights reserved by Grigor Hristov

Consider the trees which allow the birds to perch and fly away without either inviting them to stay or desiring them never to depart. If your heart can be like this, you will be near to the way.

--Zen Saying--

The Dweam Within a Dweam

2011-09-25T21:28:00.000-04:00

Big news: J and I are engaged!!! He asked me on our one year anniversary, September 17th.

I am over the moon.

A Small Pebble of Poetry

2011-09-13T07:07:00.009-04:00

Some rights reserved by see what you want to see

Yield
by L.M. Dziemiela

No longer

cultivating annuals.

The Key Ingredient

2011-08-20T21:08:00.006-04:00

Some rights reserved by tonymz

I've started the work of recovery, and it has opened a door I didn't know existed.

You may expect that skeletons were behind this door; but no, those skeletons dance out in the open, disguised as a normal life. What I did find was more like a map, or a key that turned the tumblers and opened my perspective. I tasted a familiar dish and found it different, changed.

Years ago, I started a job at a bank. On my second day, as I was being trained, my bulldog of a supervisor asked me, in a rude and obnoxious way, if I behaved the way I did because my parents were alcoholics. I was shocked and angry and offended and replied with a hot and indignant "No!" For years after this incident, I focused on what a bitch this woman was, instead of seeing the insight in her question.

You see, neither of my parents were alcoholics- not to the world's eyes, anyways, or at the very least, not to mine. I knew because I had seen alcoholism in my extended family. Alcoholics drank all the time, and they drank too much. They couldn't hold down jobs or keep stable relationships. My cousins and uncles and aunts had issues with alcoholism, but my parents? They never drank! Sure, there were stories about how dad couldn't handle his drinking, but that was before I was born. I grew up in a house that never included alcohol as part of the equation, at least not overtly.

My father's behavior patterns were explained away as personality quirks. He was impulsive, moody and temperamental...but he didn't have a drinking problem. He was angry and resentful...but he wasn't an alcoholic. He was emotionally and physically absent most of the time...but not a dry drunk. He was intolerant and argumentative and explosively angry...but that was just Dad. We had to walk on eggshells around him, but some people just overreact all the time...right?

Growing up, I thought these behaviors were normal; I thought of these personality traits as family traits- I came from a fiery, explosive family that was emotionally overwhelming. The lens I was looking out from said this was a viable option, a way of life that wasn't dysfunctional. Heck, my mother devoted her life to my father, devoted her life to arguing with him and placating him and banging her head against the wall that was their relationship. She stopped her own life in an attempt to control his behavior, twisting herself into an angry, depressed pretzel...and her behavior pattern felt comfortable and familiar and problematic and inescapable.

My parents and their behaviors and their relationship was not all I knew. I knew plenty of other families acting out similar dysfunctions. Growing up in a working poor neighborhood, there were plenty of examples of behavior to mirror my home life; there were plenty of desperate, angry, hurting people doing the best that they could with the resources they had. Most were doing it with substances, though, so my family felt different somehow...not as obviously fucked up. It was easier to push our problems under the rug when there wasn't a substance abuse issue blatantly in the family.

As I got older, I knew I didn't want to live as my parents chose to live, and I made hard choices that were the best I could do with the resources I had at the time. I distanced myself- first physically, through going away to college and then a move to Mississippi and then a move to Pennsylvania. Recently, I was able to start getting emotional distance (along with a great deal of insight into the unhelpful behaviors/coping strategies I was still carrying around from childhood) from going to therapy. I did as much as I could, and made a lot of progress...but still, some piece was missing. The closest analogy I can come to is that feeling when you're eating a complex dish and can taste something familiar yet unidentifiable in it; you know the dish wouldn't be the same without this key flavor, but you just can't put your finger on the ingredient you're tasting.

Well, the ingredient, for me, was alcoholism. I'm the child of an alcoholic that lived as a dry drunk. I grew up in a household dominated by codependency and addiction, though there was not a drop to drink.

Acknowledging this changes everything.

Life Update!

2011-08-19T14:29:00.000-04:00

Some rights reserved by gbus22

It has been a while since I've updated the blog...have you been wondering what I've been up to in my absence? I have been:

- Crocheting like a fiend (ALH taught me how to make granny squares! Yay!)
- Reading and absorbing the Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps; giving myself enough time to let the material really sink in and take hold.
- Recovering from outpatient surgery (whoop whoop!) which was really just me sleeping for three days straight.
- Thinking and pondering and writing, oh my!
- Exercising my butt off at Urban Active (and waking up at 5am to do it...ooph.)

It's nice to have a lot of stuff filling up my days. Life is complex and meaty and good.

What has been keeping you off the internets?

The Road to Life

2011-07-30T10:17:00.004-04:00

John William Waterhouse: The Danaïdes - 1903

‎"Is there another destiny for you? Do you choose a road that will take you to a place foreign to your own becoming? This question is sincere, it is not meant to deceive. No matter which road you take, you will become; but all roads do not lead to your becoming. If you think they do, it is you, not I, who is given to deception. All of your roads will end in death. Not all roads lead to life." ~ Cynthea Jones

Lots of personal work coming down the pipe lately, specifically relating to codependency in behavior and thought. The work is both gentler and deeper than what I have experienced in years past, heck, even in the recent past. It is more like a river wearing away rock than lighting taking out a tower, and I am thankful for that.

I've known I've had codependency issues for a long time. Early home life (which included living with a dry drunk and a codependent, a topic that will probably get its own blog post in the future) set a secure foundation for this pattern, but I've built the grand landscape I've been living in, and it's high time I made some architectural changes for better living conditions. It became abundantly clear to me that this is necessary and timely work a few weeks ago, and the Universe has conspired to get me moving through a variety of synchronistic events.

And so: I started reading "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps" by Melody Beattie. The work is deep and appropriate and just challenging enough.

I am sure I will be able to write about this process with more depth and specifics at a future date. Today, however, it is enough to write that I am actively working on recovery.

Seeing the Bottom

2011-07-24T20:25:00.002-04:00

Some rights reserved by StarbuckGuy

I'm always working on something, it seems. Lately, helpful stuff has been coming to me month by month from an interesting and insightful little book entitled "The Art of Extreme Self Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time" by Cheryl Richardson. Each month, a different aspect of self-care is brought forth to be contemplated and worked with, from self love to creating spaces at home that are nurturing to making pleasure a priority to learning how to say no properly.

I will admit, when I first started working with this book, I thought it was going to be a frothy and saccharine little jaunt. I was wrong. This book has given me some serious things to think about, and I keep going back to it when issues crop up in my life.

Today, I'm thinking about my Absolute No List, which is a list of things I have committed to no longer doing so as to have a more fulfilling and happy life. Here is what my list looks like so far (and a lot of these were taken from Cheryl Richardson's suggestion list):

I no longer...

- Rush.

- Compromise my needs to keep the peace with anyone.

- Keep anything I don't love or need.

- Take phone calls or text messages during meals, intimate conversations or other important times.

- Go to work when I'm sick.

- Keep my opinions to myself when they don't align with those of others in the room.

- Let social norms dictate what I should be interested in.

- Invest time in relationships that aren't aligned with who I am and who I want to be.

- Finish reading books that lose my interest.

- Feel the need to check my email multiple times a day.

- Eat when I'm not hungry.

- Get caught up in other people's drama.

- Feel obligation to spend time with family members or friends who choose to live in chaos.

- Feel bad about saying "no" when "no" is what's best for me.

- Participate in malicious gossip.

I find it hard to remember to stay true to this list, because these behaviors serve a purpose. My life is even harder when I do stay true to my Absolute No List, for this reason: these habits muddy my waters. My real Work is like sunken treasure, and these behaviors kick up enough silt and dirt to obscure my view, keeping me from focusing on what is really important. When I let the silt settle down to the bottom, my real issues can be seen. I can hear them calling to be worked on in the silence and stillness that comes from lessening the extraneous bullshit.

So readers, I'm curious: what would be on your Absolute No List?

Necessary Space

2011-07-19T09:57:00.001-04:00

Dawna Markova says you can't grab God; instead, you have to become empty and make some space for God to enter.

After a beautiful, relaxing vacation full of rest and reading and long walks and time to just sit and be still, I can say with certainty that Ms. Markova is right.

Full of Life

2011-06-30T22:08:00.005-04:00

Some rights reserved by Roger Lynn

The seed that is to grow

must lose itself as seed;

And they that creep

may graduate through

chrysalis to wings.

Wilt thou then, O mortal,

cling to husks which

falsely seem to you

the self?

~Wu Ming Fu, Twelfth Century

It's not so much about being prepared for death as it is being full of life. I want to be so well practiced in crossing thresholds that dying is merely another step in the dance. i want to be so comfortable with stillness and silence that I can root in them. ~ Dawna Markova, "I Will Not Die an Unlived Life"

Admittedly, I can be a turd. I am not always Suzy Sunshine and I am definitely not the person who always looks on the positive side of things. I generally think of myself as a Refreshingly Honest Person, but sometimes I overshoot and I end up being an Oversharing Bummer of a Person.

I have come to find that all I need to turn my attitude around is a little health scare.

I don't really want to go into what exactly is going on, as I am still waiting on tests and results and the wise words of my local shaman/doctorish person. I can say that I am a lot less scared and freaked out, and that things appear to not be pointing toward my early demise.

I do, however, want to go into what this health scare has said to me, quite insistently. As I was laying around, thinking about what I would do if the Worst Possible Thing were to happen, a small voice inside my head cried out optimistically, "Well, you could stop..." and then listed off a ton of things that I do with my time and my life that I just don't want to do.

Things that made the List of Things I Could Stop:

- Worrying about what everybody else thinks all the time
- Worrying about money
- Spending time with people that don't engage me, or that I'm not invested in
- Limiting my solitude
- Buying so much stuff
- Thinking "what if"
- Living my life in the "just in case" mode
- Living afraid all the time

All bullshit aside, I have walked away with this: I don't have to court illness to bring freedom into my life. I can do all of these things now, without Impending Doom hanging over my head, and that might just be the way to live a full and clean and healthy life, no matter how long that life ends up being.

I bow to you, scary life moment. You have been a wise teacher.

Dream a Little Dream with Me

2011-06-12T21:23:00.005-04:00

Some rights reserved by Temari 09

"When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate." - Carl G. Jung

"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." - Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I've been thinking about how we make our own reality...how our expectations and beliefs are mirrored back to us in the world around us. We see what exists...and what exists is a combination of our thoughts and fears, hopes and expectations and everyone else's thoughts/fears/hopes/expectations/beliefs/etc. We are the kings and queens of our own little kingdoms, ruling with wisdom and ignorance, dancing up against other kings and queens, constantly jostled about.

I choose to be as aware as possible of the parameters of my own life manifestations. I choose to dig deeply into my past and look painstakingly at my present. I shine light in dark corners and think critically about my motivations. Anyone who knows me knows that I am serious about self-work.

And yet...others spin around the globe, same as I, that do not choose to live the way I do. Those others choose something different and just as valid. I suppose I could say some others choose "less examined" lives, but it's probably more generous (and accurate) to say they are living "more spontaneous" lives. Neither choice is better (I'm more sure of that now than ever).

We all walk together, sharing the same world even as we live in homespun realities. Even with all the searching, there are still things I won't see, things that I will "manifest as fate", in the words of Jung. Those that do not search for growth will still grow, will still stumble upon truths, some uncomfortable, some wondrous. Together, we are all Creators. Together, we dream the world into being.

I'm glad to be responsible for my little piece of the fabric.

Haiku

2011-06-12T19:59:00.001-04:00

Some rights reserved by xsphotos

cashmere morning mist

dusted bronze haystack bathed in

white light, liquid sky

Some rights reserved by Fungman

white willow, woodsmoke

bittersweet winter oak sighs

gray earth, gray morning

...and this may be why I am dragging ass lately.

2011-06-10T10:11:00.000-04:00

"I restore myself when I'm alone." - Marilyn Monroe

A Post About How I've Not Posted In A While

2011-06-09T23:07:00.001-04:00

Some rights reserved by andrewr

Yes, my lovelies, I have been doing other things. What other things, you ask? Well, aside from fretting about getting my car inspected and paying out the wazoo to get that accomplished, I've been doing the usual stuff...with one little additional thing.

I've been trying to reclaim my life from the clutches of the internets.

I am sure I really don't have to explain this- it's pretty easy for the modern individual to get caught up in Facebook updates and constant email checking and blog reading etc. etc. etc. I've been fighting the good fight and trying to do something other than plop down in front of my computer and clickety clack my life away at a keyboard. So I've been taking walks...and reading...and cooking...and stuff like that.

Still, I do miss blogging about things that are of interest/importance to me, and I can feel Pretty Darn Good about blogging because it is a Way to Foster a Writing Habit. So, I will be coming back to the blog and hopefully writing more consistently. My overall goal is to reduce my Facebook consumption and increase my blogging output.

Would you like to help me, readers? I'm sure you would!

If you are reading, and enjoy what you read here, comment on this post to just say hi. I am curious to see who is out there, reading this blog and coming back to it (because if my statistics are to be believed, there's a small group of lovelies out there that stop here once in a while).

Thanks in advance, honeybadgers!

Oh How I LOLed

2011-06-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

My Own Little Magic Circle, or, Becoming Real

2011-05-10T14:02:00.004-04:00

The Magic Circle, 1886 - John William Waterhouse

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

~The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

The Awakening
by Anne Hill

If I touch you I will know you
Though my veil be drawn, you're glowing
In my mind and soul and body

I feel compelled to hide details and information about myself that I feel others wouldn't like, wouldn't care to know, couldn't accept or wouldn't understand. I generally err on the side of squishing myself in a little box of Acceptable Things You Can Know About Me...generally choose to make myself smaller, silent, bland and uncomfortable rather than risk making others upset, or unhappy, or uncomfortable.

For instance, you may know that I am liberal, but you may not know my stance on hot-button issues like abortion, immigration and social welfare. You may know I am not Christian, but you may not know that I am a practicing Pagan. You may know that I struggle with weight issues, but you may not know that I am dealing with disordered eating. I don't share, not because I don't think anyone will care, but because I believe people will care, will judge and won't understand and will eventually abandon me. (It was really hard to write that last sentence. I kept typing "leave me" or just the word "leave" because I didn't want to admit to the word that rings truest, "abandon" - because you, my dear Reader, may judge me weak and dependent.)

"My sponsor tells me that it's none of my business what people think of me, so I try to remember that" - a friend's wise words - and I can see, in trying to control what others know about me, I'm trying to control what others think about me, and how that's a clear path to failure. My hiding doesn't serve anyone, and it does impact one person- me. In my little magic circle of invisibility I get to be "safe" - unknown, beyond all imagined reproach...and beyond true intimacy and real interaction.

And sure, withholding can be prudent action in some circumstances. Each person I meet doesn't have to know everything personal detail I could share. Still, I have been acting out of fear and calling it privacy - that's very clear to me now - and it's time to start being Real, as I am strong enough to risk it.

So, with a scared and brave heart, I declare: the circle is open, and unbroken.

Ashe.

Rooted

2011-04-21T22:30:00.008-04:00

Some rights reserved by BlueRidgeKitties

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.”
~Anonymous~

ROOT

noun, often attributive: an underlying support

the essential core : heart

RADICAL

adjective: of, relating to, or proceeding from a root

noun: a root part

a basic principle: foundation

Learning to be in right relationship with myself has been (and continues to be) a very interesting process. Holding my relationship to self in the center of my life can be downright uncomfortable.

It takes more work than I expected to not abandon myself to whim and desire.

I generally know which of my behaviors bring out the best in me and which are detrimental. I know which behaviors are risky for my relationship with self and which are less risky, which choices respect my boundaries instead of alienating them. Still, as is common with any relationship, I get the urge to cheat, cut corners, do what feels good in the moment instead of keeping to the long view. And yet...every time I stick it out and do what's best for this relationship...well, that's a magical act, and sometimes magic is uncomfortable. Love, a verb, begets loving, a creative act- and birth can be painful.

Still, I keep showing up, choosing to make "I love you" mean something. Showing up, every day, committed to self, committed to the essential core. It's rooted. It's radical.

Basketweaving

2011-04-10T21:57:00.007-04:00

Some rights reserved by Colleen Curnutte

It's time to be more conscious of my energy, to put less of myself into some baskets in order to fill other baskets.

This is really important, as I want to add some new baskets, too. I have a list, in my head, of the things I want to manifest in the next ten years.

It goes something like this:

1. I want to get married and start a family. Yeah, I will actually cop to this, though I'm still really touch-and-go on having children.

2. I want to own a home, one that has a backyard in which I can have a garden, one that I can afford to decorate to my taste.

3. I want to go on a nice vacation once a year.

4. I want to have significant amounts of time to do spiritual and creative work.

Of course, there are other things on my list...but this is the list I'm working with today, and it will serve to make my point.

What is that point, you ask? The point is this: manifesting these desires will require specific work and discipline around how I live in physical reality.

I think it's easy to get tripped up thinking that manifestation work is all in one's head- that one just has to think the right thoughts in order to have life shift into place. Yes, one does have to do that. But I believe it's way more powerful to think those thoughts while simultaneously shaping one's actions in such a way that those actions support manifestation. I can say I want something, but if I don't move toward that desire in physical reality, I'm giving the Universe a mixed message. If my Word and my Work are in alignment, my word is then my bond...and the world will move.

I have been giving a lot of thought to my habits, slowly realizing that I'm choosing momentary pleasures over larger goals. When the pressure is on, instead of allowing myself to boil a bit, I revert back to my old ways of releasing pressure: eating out, buying tchotchkes, spending hours online, etc. I tell myself that I don't like to cook, so it's fine to eat out every day, three meals a day. I tell myself I need that new bag, that cute shirt, those perfect earrings, that adorable doodad. I tell myself I will just look at one more fun website, and then I'll get to my writing and meditation. The result: I do not spend (my money and my time) as wisely as I would like, and I hemorrhage energy as a result.

Dealing with slight discomfort in this way is a pretty clear case of self sabotage. I know what I would like to have in my life, and it is larger than a new trinket or a dinner out or keeping up with the latest in internet memes. I want less transience and more weight to the stuff of my days. An abundant life demands smart choices. In tarot, the Empress is kept in check by the Emperor: limitless growth is healthy when paired with boundaries.

Will + Discipline (- Expectation) = Manifested Desire. This equation is freedom.

Back...Again

2011-04-01T00:06:00.003-04:00

No Escape by Sylvie Pickering

The Uses of Sorrow
by Mary Oliver

(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

I am never more tired of speaking than when I first get back from a trip home to see my family. Actually, it would be more accurate to switch it, to say "when I first get home from a trip back to my family" but that makes little sense to the average person that is not acquainted with my past, with my personal way-back machine.

I remember, when I first started therapy, the intensity with which I craved intimacy. I could eat connection for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If it looked like love, I'd hunt it, trap it, find a way to scare it into a corner and try to beat it into submission. "You will feed me," I would say. "I will chew you up until I feel something."

I started therapy because, essentially, I started having a hard time with the grinding of bones for my daily meal. It was the way I had learned, but it was exhausting work that never left me feeling satiated or fulfilled. Being both the villain and the hero in my own story was getting old...and confusing. Who's responsible, who's to blame, endlessly intertwined.

It's been almost three years since I walked into my therapist's office, begging her to help me change old patterns. On most days, I can't feel the difference between that which I was and that which I am...but I can definitely feel it when I leave home and go back. Familial behaviors are both familiar and alien and uncomfortable ways of connecting (through dissonance, arguing and pain) leave me numb, overwhelmed and seeking an exit. I no longer yell to be heard or attempt to get family members to see my point of view. I just...cease to connect. You will chew me up and get nothing.

The silence that comes over me when I return is something I'm just now understanding. I don't want to talk because there's no point. It's a tightness in my chest and a deep sigh and the thought that whatever can be said isn't worth the effort it would take to utter it aloud.

So clearly, there is more work to be done...but there has been an extraordinary amount of progress. It feels fitting to acknowledge both, at the same time. Heart and feather, both respected.

Beautiful

2011-03-20T23:03:00.006-04:00

Some rights reserved by _twig

crooked:

1. : not straight

Synonyms: bending, crazy, curled, curling, curved, curving, curvy, devious, serpentine, sinuous, tortuous, twisted, twisting, winding, windy

And I've got
No illusions about you
And guess what?
I never did
And when I said
When I said I'll take it
I meant,
I meant as is
~Ani DiFranco, As Is

I am crooked. Scoliosis is a daily reminder that I am not exactly according to plan.

Let me explain.

Like most young girls of my generation, I read Judy Blume's book Deenie when I was in middle school. The story was simple- a teenage girl wants to become a model but finds out she has scoliosis. Angst ensues. Girl finds solace in friendship and inner fortitude. The end.

I never had aspirations to model- I was an overweight child, and that set the bar pretty low when it came to desiring certain physical outcomes- but I did worry about getting scoliosis after reading that book. I remember worrying every time I went through the annual spine checkup at my middle school - would this be the time that they would find a curve, or would I get to be the fat girl that was still reasonably normal?

Long story short: I lost weight after freshman year and was simultaneously diagnosed with moderate thoracolumbar scoliosis. The world did not end, though it felt like it might. I am still here, twisted and tortuous, serpentine and sinuous. I am not straight (there are many definitions for "straight" in Merriam Webster's online dictionary- my personal favorite is "exhibiting no deviation from what is established or accepted as usual, normal, or proper"). From my very bones, I am something...different. I deviate.

I have learned to deal with being crooked. I have learned to deal with chronic pain and leg length difference and the tendency for my left pant leg to drag a little and thus get more wet than my right pant leg when it rains. I have learned that the sexiness of high heels needs to be saved for rare occasions and that I can't just lay any way I would like when I sleep. I have learned that chiropractic is great for pain management and yoga should really be done every day.

Today, I am in a lot of pain. Today, I know that I really can't keep skipping yoga and daily stretching. Scoliosis reminds me that I have to take care of myself, that I have to pay attention when my body speaks, lest it speak more loudly, more insistently. It's an interesting gift, being crooked. I can't check out- navigating curves requires that I remain present. I have to listen carefully to my body. This awareness is a gift, one I am not always ready to receive. I may have learned to deal with my body, but I am still learning to love it.

I am still learning that life is beautiful as is.

I'm Just a Worm

2011-03-13T21:25:00.003-04:00

"Allo!" ~ Worm, Labyrinth

"Notice to those making up religions: the most powerful secrets aren’t secrets. They are things we may have known for a while but then suddenly feel the full force of when the time is right." ~Anne Hill, comment on her blog post

Sarah: You dont by any chance know the way through this Labyrinth do you?
Worm: Who me? Naahh I'm just a worm, heh.
Sarah: Oh.
Worm: Come inside and meet the missus.
Sarah: No thank you but I have to solve this Labyrinth but there aren't any turns or any openings or anything, it just goes on and on!
Worm: Well... you ain't lookin' right! It's FULL of opening its just you ain't seen em !
Sarah: Well where are they?
Worm: There's one just across there its right in-front of ya.
Sarah: No there isn't.
Worm: Come inside and have a nice cuppa tea.
Sarah: But... there isn't an opening!
Worm: (laughs) Course there is! You try walking through it, you'll see what I mean!
Sarah: What?
Worm: Go on, go on then!
Sarah: That's just wall! There's no way through.
Worm: Things are not always what they seem in this place. So, you can't take anything for granted.
Sarah: (walks through the 'wall') Hey!
Worm: Hey 'ang on!
Sarah: Thank you! That was incredibly helpful! (starts to turn left)
Worm: Don't go that way!
Sarah: What was that?
Worm: I said...Don't go that way! Never go that way!
Sarah: Oh... thanks! (Sarah goes in opposite direction)
Worm: If she had kept going down that way, she would've gone straight to that castle!
~Labyrinth

For the context of this post, it is good for you, dear Reader, to know that I believe the following two things:

1. Information is not dangerous.

2. Things of value have layers.

In my studies, I often go back to the same material. I've reread the Spiral Dance more times than I can count. I have gone back to the material in Evolutionary Witchcraft time and again. I reread poems and experience myths in various retellings and contexts. I have repeated classes and workshops that my tradition offers. I am a fan of reusing that which is useful.

I am constantly changing, and thus, the Work that I am doing is also changing. I find that the material that works for me works differently when I go back to it. Material is the same, I have changed...or, I have changed, and thus the material has changed as well.

I have a really hard time with the idea of information that is too powerful to be appropriate to beginners. I think this notion is a load of horseshit. People can be dangerous, but information is not. A dangerous person can take any exercise/discipline/material and make it dangerous for themselves. I would hate to see transformative information hidden away because those that are knowledgeable fear that an inability to grasp meaning is synonymous with a propensity toward damage. I choose to think well of others on similar paths, expecting that they will be successful in their quests to transform themselves.*

It is my opinion that interested parties that are not experienced enough to comprehend the depth of a teaching will understand the material at a level appropriate to their level of skill and expertise. They will glean what they can get from whatever they are working with, hopefully getting something out of the exercise/material/etc. They may later come back to the same material and discover it now has a deeper, nuanced meaning...and again, hopefully they will use the information and get even more out of the teaching. Coming back again, a different take on the same practice may emerge. The beauty of spirituality, for me, is in the growth experience. I shift, my perspective shifts, and my tools shift to continually be appropriate to my growth.

In the beginning of the movie Labyrinth, Sarah didn't know enough to trust her own instincts; she listened to the Worm. Because of this, she goes through the full experience of the labyrinth, learning to trust herself and her gut. The challenges she met were appropriate to her current state of being, or they were growth experiences.

One can easily miss what is valuable. We can choose to focus on the betrayal, or on the gift, or incorporate both into the telling of our reality. The Worm lied and he delivered Sarah to her own becoming. You can't take anything for granted.

*For more on choosing to think well of others, look at the Diana's Grove publication The Bones of Mystery School - specifically, the section on the Cornerstones of Community.

Chop Wood, Carry Water, Shut Your Trap

2011-02-26T10:00:00.008-05:00

Some rights reserved by Arno Arno

"…All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." ~Julian of Norwich

Litany Against Fear from the Bene Gesserit Rite

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
~Frank Herbert, Dune

What can I say about silence?

As a person dealing with codependency issues, silence is a currency I cannot make change in, withdrawal a tactic I am ill equipped to employ. I tumble words out of my mouth just to be reaching toward something...toward you, toward us, toward understanding, toward reconciliation, toward a continuation of connection, even if that connection is painful. Painful connection is, after all, still connection...right?

As a little girl, if someone I cared about (let's get fancy and call said person the Other) needed space due to anger or unhappiness or just a need for time alone, I felt abandoned. I would spend great amounts of time trying to reengage, trying to be entertaining enough/conversational enough/loving enough/witty enough/smart enough to be returned to grace, to be loved- heck, to not be ignored or spoken to with a harsh tone. I felt if I could just do the right thing, say the right thing, be the right person, etc. I could fix that disconnected moment for the Other (who, let's not kid ourselves, was generally my mother at that very early age) and thus for myself.

The above paragraph is not written to be a ground-breaking revelation; these patterns are pretty common. Still, common behavior patterns are just as difficult to untangle as their exotic brethren, and are easier to ignore/discount/look past due to their ubiquitousness.

Today, I find myself looking down the barrel of the same old gun, but I'm trying out different responses. In trying to shift to a different way of being, I'm admittedly pretty damn awkward. Someone close to me withdraws, and sometimes I reach out, and it works...or it doesn't. Sometimes I don't reach out, catching myself operating out of woundedness, and it sometimes works...and it sometimes doesn't. Sometimes I catch myself halfway, and stop engaging out of fear in the middle of an interaction, and sometimes that diffuses the weirdness and sometimes it escalates it spectacularly. Nothing is easy here anymore. The old comforts are no longer comfortable, the new shoes are giving me blisters. Throw in other individuals and their issues and their expectations for my behavior and we have a carnival of fun times sprouting up almost randomly and without warning. Oh, the joy! (Ahem.)

But, this is the Work, right now. I was just having a conversation with J about a quote I've heard again and again in different forms: if you want to find water, dig one deep well instead of twenty shallow ones. To me, this speaks to the way in which sustained, difficult work changes a life. The temptation to stop five feet down is great; 10 feet down, even greater. Right now, I feel like I'm rather deep, and I'm getting some water. The work is getting harder and more subtle. The ground is wet and heavy and I can't see where I'm going. Still, my payoff isn't the water. The payoff is right now, in this moment, choosing to keep at it. The payoff for me is becoming, a little more every day, a person who gets up and does what needs to be done, a person who puts her money where her mouth is, a person who is guided by Will in the face of fear.

Ashé.

An Invocation

2011-02-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

Holy is your name, holy is your work, holy are the days that return to you. Holy are the years that you uncover. Holy are the hands that are raised to you, and the weeping that is wept to you. Holy is the fire between your will and ours, in which we are refined. Holy is that which is unredeemed, covered with your patience. Holy are the souls lost in your unnaming. Holy, and shining with a great light, is every living thing, established in this world and covered with time, until your name is praised forever.

Leonard Cohen, Book of Mercy

Chomp.

2011-02-17T08:41:00.004-05:00

Porkrind the Great

I wrote a new poem this morning, just now. I think it's quite good.

I got the idea for it as I was walking Porky around the back of my apartment complex. I wouldn't have been home, walking the dog and getting the idea, if I didn't have some sort of crud/flu/unpleasantness right now. So there you go. You never know when your muse is going to bite you on the ass.

I am now going back to my couch and my blankets.

An Ode to my Dwindling Armor

2011-02-03T22:18:00.007-05:00

Who is this flower above me?
And what is the work of this god?
I would know myself in all my parts.
~Feri Flower Prayer, traditional, Victor Anderson

God is self and self is God and God is a person like myself.
~Victor Anderson

I'm actively working on being more open to letting people see the person I actually am, instead of just the edited, monitored mock-up I'm used to displaying.

It ~~sucks~~ is kicking my ass.

I recently had a dream involving my tiny Yorkshire Terrier being catapulted into a wall. Without going into the details of the dream (because as a general rule, a dream described is way less interesting than a dream experienced) its meaning was pretty clear to me: I'm afraid that my vulnerability is going to be ill-used...and, even more deep in meaning, I'm going to have to use that same vulnerability to break down some of my defensive walls (catapults, after all, are war machines used for just that purpose).

So, I've been spending more time being vulnerable with those I trust the most. It is damn hard work, maybe the hardest work I've ever done. I feel totally exposed and often, outright ridiculous, as what I want to hide the most is this: the people I care about affect me in ways that embarrass me. I don't want to be the girl that gets hurt by other people's careless words and actions. I want to be unflappable, remarkable in my ability to transcend that bullshit. I want to be an island, both more and less than human. What I end up becoming is this angry little gut-monster living in a false and serene shell, rattling around and doing damage to my own innards.

So instead, I'm practicing being real, and human, and sometimes ridiculous. I'm practicing being touched by others and by life and not apologizing for that connection. It's the crack that lets the compassion in, the place where Bodhichitta can simultaneously latch on and receive light. If I can't see myself, how can I ever hope to see you? And so on and so forth.

I peek around the edges of my dwindling armor...I arm the war machine with that which I love most of all- the warmest, softest parts of myself...and slowly, I'm going to become a freedom fighter, armed with love and softness and my own truth.

Eventually, puppies win.

For Brigid

2011-02-01T10:17:00.004-05:00

This Time

She did pass in the trees, tinkling a tickle-whisper,

And was in the flame, yes, when I've

pleaded and wished and prayed and

burned anyways.

But this time, no moaning:

just the urge, to deep and dark and drowning.

This time, my eye is to the well.

This Time by Lora Dziemiela is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Flying

2011-01-25T09:56:00.001-05:00

“Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.” ~Neil Gaiman

Blue Valentine

2011-01-23T12:19:00.002-05:00

To send me blue valentines
Like half forgotten dreams
Like a pebble in my shoe
As I walk these streets
And the ghost of your memory
Is the thistle in the kiss
~Tom Waits, Blue Valentines

I went to see Blue Valentine with J and a bunch of friends last night.

I really expected to be more emotionally upset by the movie, I suppose because I've gone through a divorce and have a sense of what to expect of a realistic portrayal of an important ending. I really expected to walk out of that movie feeling like life shits on love, no matter how great the love, that all good things, over time, are destined to become shitty things.

Thankfully, the movie wasn't as cliche as my imagination. I really recommend seeing the movie, as it is incredibly well-made and impeccably acted. The characters were real and flawed and brilliant in their vulnerability, need and apathy. Both Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling deserve Oscar nods.

SPOILER ALERT:

For me, the most moving and deftly handled factor in the movie was this: the characters were, in my estimation, not an ideal match, nor did they have any particularly amazing qualities that might hold a struggling relationship together. Motivated, from the beginning, by extreme need, naive idealization of love and happenstance, these characters were eerily similar to the couples we all know, that we've all been party to: the ones that aren't sure how they got into this mess in the first place. The heartbreak was made more poignant by how easily the viewers could hear the death rattle of the relationship, even in the scenes of happiness. It was easy to play Dr. Phil, looking back, looking forward, seeing the progression of problems that whispered at the characters from the outset. When I stopped analyzing them, I just felt sad- sad for the blind spots.

So yes, it was a great movie. I don't think I'll be watching it anytime soon, though. But you should :)

2011-01-13T09:45:00.000-05:00

I can't get this song out of my head.

Unobserved and Free

2011-01-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

She said in Romance, women's two natures can be reconciled. I asked, which two natures, and she said, men saw women as double beings, enchantresses and demons or innocent angels.

"Are all women double?" I asked her.

"I did not say that," she said. "I said all men see women as double. Who knows what Melusina was in her freedom with no eyes on her?"

~A.S. Byatt, Possession

Yes, that's an apt description.

2010-11-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

I Will Not Die an Unlived Life
by Dawna Markova

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

"I am groping to understand what it might mean to truly love my life, to find out who I am beyond the economic necessities of being a mind-for-hire. I want to stop running from my own tiredness, from the fear that if I am not accomplishing something, I will disappear." ~Dawna Markova, I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion

Yup. I'm right there with you, Dawna.

Self-Inflicted

2010-11-20T10:02:00.002-05:00

Some rights reserved by BenSpark

Thorn's post from Wednesday is very timely for me. It has me thinking, not only about how I spend my days and my time, but also about how I talk to myself about it. She writes,

"Without a sense of compassion, it is much more difficult to risk the mistakes that are necessary to our learning process...We have to come to comprehend that we may cause those around us to experience fear, or even pain. There is a cost to this desiring, but the cost for not pursuing our desires is even greater...Who are you to not step toward your destiny? Who are you to hide from the world?"

I've been noticing that I'm not giving enough time to myself. This noticing is not a calm, "Oh...huh!" kind of noticing; rather, it's a violent, "I hate that I'm always doing things I have to do!!!" and a "How lazy that you don't get up an hour earlier to write!", a noticing that feels like a knife-wielding temper tantrum. I fuss and then berate myself, not only for not taking care of my needs, but for fussing. Dare I say it? I'm violent toward myself. I don't extend compassion toward myself.

I can definitely see how this makes it next to impossible to create, to desire, to manifest authentically. I can see how it is way too risky to just let it flow because, well, later I'm likely to come crashing into my head-space, stomping and wildly thrashing, beating myself up.

Just noticing this, in this moment, is freeing up some of this energy. I can allow it to be real and imperfect and manifested- that is an option. Getting hurt in the process is possible, but it doesn't have to be self-flogging.

Huh.

Cold and Silence in the Early Dark

2010-11-07T20:01:00.013-05:00

Some rights reserved by Leah Makin Photography

Today, in church, we talked of transience. After, during silent meditation, a vision: I was sitting, covered in crows, self as a bare-branched tree...until they all flew away, and I was both gone and free.

Gone and free. Just like that, the past is cast off, leaves in a strong wind.

Something is shifting and changing. I can feel a bit of me cracking, allowing room for expansion. The world is returning to the core, and as I follow suit, I find my core to have expanded in unimaginable ways.

More ready than ever to risk with the promise of transience, I can't hold onto...what? What I've loved? What I've despised? What I cherish and recoil from? I can't even hold onto myself, it seems. Best to just acknowledge and let it fall, loving each piece as it flies off to a more suitable environment.

Tonight, walking to work, I stopped to look at the dwindling light. Daylight savings is over, and another sort of savings begins...the saving of words, of heat. The keeping of silence and breath. In the expanding dark, a breath is a sigh of relief.

Some moments are best understood without words, though we do our best to describe them.

The Genius of Little Moments

2010-10-31T21:02:00.002-04:00

Talking with Alex about relationships via Google chat:

Me: you know, it can't be forced

i think it's just what you can stand, on a day to day basis, potentially forever

Alex: haha probably about the wisest thing you can say about a relationship

Yearly Prayer

2010-10-25T11:25:00.005-04:00

Some rights reserved by onkel_wart

As we head into the season of slowing, I want to remind myself of what I hold dear, and what dearly holds me.

I wrote this poem last year, a response to a particularly moving class I was taking for my MLIS degree. I think it's an appropriate prayer to repeat for this upcoming year...maybe it will become a yearly missive...and maybe my desires will change, as all changes with the touch of years and seasons.

Desire
or, A Prayer for a Well-Worn Life

Gimme gimme gimme
more tactile experiences,
more open, less closed, fewer back-alley heartaches.

I want what matters-
you know- glitter and shit.

I want to look you in the eye to see what's hiding.

World, please please please smack me in the face with
the breath and
the blood and the
bone of it.

I desire a bumpy ride with good conversation.
I'll take the good ones, but want to know the wicked ones better.
Traitors, start the line at my door.

I want to live sugar cubes and meatloaf and sassafras,
taste more poetry on my tongue,
touch the pupils of open, fearless eyes.

So life? You listening?

Bring it.

© 2009 L.M. Dziemiela

The Wedding

2010-10-24T20:03:00.001-04:00

I officiated my second wedding this weekend, and it was just lovely. Though I do get stressed out about having a big part in a couple's big day, I still love doing the work. There's no better feeling than a

I did shed a few tears during this ceremony; the bride's friend read the following poem in such a heartfelt way, and I couldn't help but get a bit misty-eyed:

Love
by Roy Croft

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

To all that risk love and choose to see hope...make those temples grand and glorious!

In the best of circumstances...

2010-10-16T16:26:00.004-04:00

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” ~James Arthur Baldwin

If you want to be open...

2010-09-26T18:57:00.004-04:00

It's been said to me, at least once, if you want to be open, be open. I think the same must go for being vulnerable.

It's so hard to just let things...happen. To really feel things, to really be present, to tell the truth even when it isn't pretty, even when it's going to hurt someone...most of all, when it's going to hurt you. It's a struggle to let enough of life in to be opened and changed, because opened and changed doesn't always mean feeling good. It means feeling real, which is not automatically feeling happy.

Math

2010-09-22T22:47:00.000-04:00

I need a solution, not an equation- instead,
A breath, a kiss, a lingering twilight
Not concerned with addition, not fooled by subtraction.

Thoughts on Intimacy

2010-09-22T22:19:00.001-04:00

An adult view of intimacy: knowing oneself deeply, and allowing interactions with others to have depth without letting oneself be reworked/refashioned through the lens of another's perceptions.

Maybe this is the only way we can truly be in relationship with another...we first have to be in right relationship with self.

Life Earthquake

2010-09-22T13:23:00.000-04:00

Everything has been shifting, and new opportunities are popping up all over the place.

I'm just trying to hold on and enjoy the ride right now.

I think the Universe needs to hear me be grateful for once.

2010-09-15T22:12:00.001-04:00

I just heard something pretty craptacular. Instead of griping, I'm going to focus on what I'm grateful to have in my life.

Thank you thank you, Great Big World, for:

- my lil' dog- she brings me so much joy
- my full-time job, where I'm appreciated and allowed to expand and grow
- my roommate B, who is boombastic and really fantastic
- moonlit nights on the library campus
- people who tell it to me straight
- certain people that have been very cuddly as of late :)

Everything is swell.

Writing

2010-09-05T19:49:00.000-04:00

I Said to Poetry
by Alice Walker

I said to Poetry: "I'm finished
with you."
Having to almost die
before some weird light
comes creeping through
is no fun.
"No thank you, Creation,
no muse need apply.
I'm out for good times--
at the very least,
some painless convention."

Poetry laid back
and played dead
until this morning.
I wasn't sad or anything,
only restless.

Poetry said: "You remember
the desert, and how glad you were
that you have an eye
to see it with? You remember
that, if ever so slightly?"
I said: "I didn't hear that.
Besides, it's five o'clock in the a.m.
I'm not getting up
in the dark
to talk to you."

Poetry said: "But think about the time
you saw the moon
over that small canyon
that you liked so much better
than the grand one--and how surprised you were
that the moonlight was green
and you still had
one good eye
to see it with

Think of that!"

"I'll join the church!" I said,
huffily, turning my face to the wall.
"I'll learn how to pray again!"

"Let me ask you," said Poetry.
"When you pray, what do you think
you'll see?"

Poetry had me.

"There's no paper
in this room," I said.
"And that new pen I bought
makes a funny noise."

"Bullshit," said Poetry.
"Bullshit," said I.

In the middle of the night I dreamed a poem about the Queen of Cups. I don't remember much of it, just that her cup was fashioned from the salt of oceans and tears...yesterday, I wrote the beginning of a poem about the Queen of Swords, discussing the strength of the grass as it meets the scythe. Lines are bumping out of me clumsily, while I brush my hair or do the dishes. Lines are whispering in my ear while I fasten necklaces and put on rings. They keep knocking, and I'm starting to write them down so I recognize them when they come to the door again, in another form.

I'm writing on a blog for the Unnamed Non-Profit and I'm also in charge of creating a blog for the library I'm working at part-time. I just wrote my second wedding ceremony, and I think it's quite good (and that's rare- I usually think my writing is rather banal.) I'm also beginning the first stages of a children's book- S and I are going to collaborate on it, and I'm very excited.

I remember asking the Universe for more time to write. At the time, I assumed I would be writing poetry at 6am or midnight or whatever time the passionate and poetic sit down with their Muse for the Serious Business of Flowing Metaphor. Instead, my Muse hangs out behind my desk, likes Earl Grey Creme tea, reminds me to use fewer commas, pesters me to find upbeat facts about mental illness and encourages me to find interesting things to write about libraries. Yikes bikes! Still, it seems that this work has primed the pump; let's see what comes out, shall we?

I know it's Sunday because I've...

2010-09-05T13:09:00.000-04:00

- woken up snuggling a little Yorkie
- made some coffee
- went to church
- had Earl Grey Creme tea while doing a crossword with B
- lit some honey amber incense
- watered the plants
- started some laundry
- answered some emails

I am now off to do yoga, change out laundry, and meditate for a while. Then, on to work.

Life is...life.

Harsh But True

2010-08-31T22:19:00.001-04:00

"Sometimes when people get what they want, they realize how limited their dreams were." ~Joan Holloway.

Where the Streets Have New Names

2010-08-11T22:20:00.000-04:00

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

I can't tell if T was a "I walk around it" pothole situation, or a "I fell in because it's a habit" pothole. Either way, I think I'm progressing toward walking down another street.

In the back of my mind, I still harbor the illusion that all this self reflection and personal work will yield an easier life. I'm starting to see how that isn't true, and how, instead, it's yielding a more flexible me to respond to an unpredictable and unstable life that is not always bad or good or easy or safe or hard or scary. It really just...*is*...and all this work is changing my responsibility toward it, in that it is changing my ability to respond.

Or something like that. :) Here's to eventually walking down a new street.

Taking the Opportune Moments

2010-08-10T18:37:00.000-04:00

As I get older, it is easier to do the right thing for the right reasons and harder to do the right thing for the wrong reasons.

It's just...life is too short to spend time caring more about how I'm perceived than how I'm feeling. Yeah, I might not make everyone else happy anymore. Yeah, I might have to cut some ties and walk away from some reindeer games...

But ultimately? This is the ship I've been charged with sailing, and I'm going wear the shit out of my pirate hat. :P

Bizarre

2010-08-08T16:58:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why I feel more lonely now that I live with someone...but I do.

I think it's that whole "I'd rather be alone than lonely" thing. I'm not yet used to having a roommate, I need to process, etc. etc.

Still, it's an unexpected feeling.

Tidbits and Snippets

2010-07-31T13:40:00.000-04:00

What a bizarre week it's been. I'm still in limbo in so many ways.

I moved out of my apartment on Tuesday, spending most of the day with T, who didn't phone it in (as expected) but actually worked his ass off moving my stuff all day. When I did a final look at my empty apartment at 10:30pm, I actually teared up- it was disconcerting to leave that tiny little haven behind, so empty and white and hollow. It was also weird to say goodbye to T. Change is hard, even when it's a change for the better. I'm not sure why I mourned that night, but I did, feeling pain over letting go of that which couldn't/wouldn't serve me. I've outgrown a lot of things in my life, and it's time to leave those cocoons...but readiness doesn't necessarily make for an easy transition.

Since Tuesday, I've been staying with my gracious friend K and her cat, Bruce. I've been going to the gym and reading and napping and just generally taking a break. It's been lovely, aside from the allergy-med-induced insomnia. I even went to a laundromat for the first time in years; who knew old biddies could get so possessive about their dryers?

Yesterday, I had a long lunch with S at Spice Island Tea House. The food was delicious, the conversation intimate. I walked away feeling more sure-footed and rooted, which is exactly what I like about talks with S. It is very rare that nurturing is reciprocal.

Today, I'm going to work at the library until 7pm, and then most likely go shopping for some things that will be immediately necessary at the new apartment tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will include brunch and a smooth move into the new place. Keep your fingers crossed that I'll have a bed in my room on Sunday night!

The Month of July in Haiku

2010-07-21T22:01:00.000-04:00

pickle your liver
far away from me, asshat-
time to get gone, sir

moving twice sucks ass
especially in July
with a drunk boyfriend

You Can't Stop; I Can't Stay

2010-07-18T17:09:00.000-04:00

I saw this in today's Sunday Secrets:

I really wanted it to be a statement about leaving T...but it isn't. I remember being out with him once, early on in the relationship, the first time he got really drunk- he said that he didn't want to "bring me down with him". I remember my reply was "Don't worry, you won't."

He's slowly but surely fucking his life up in many directions, that's for sure- and it's quite possible that he will sink. But I'm not afraid of how I could be impacting that. In a flight emergency, one has to properly secure their own oxygen mask before assisting others, right? Well, I'm attending to that, and that translates to getting the fuck out and not fighting to get a mask on someone that doesn't want to breathe. I can't force him into my lifeboat.

It is my job to make sure I take care of myself. Amen and Blessed Be that I have learned that lesson well.

From Holy Hell to Holy

2010-06-27T21:28:00.000-04:00

"I believe holy is what you do when there is nothing between your actions and the truth." - Staceyann Chin

"The world around you is being exchanged for things. For some of you, the days of your life are being exchanged for things. And still the hunger isn't satisfied. The desire still calls. The desire is deeper than wanting. And eventually you will know, deeply know, that it was not a thing that you hungered for, it was your own becoming. And it requires an entirely different process to feed that desire." - Cynthea Jones

I'm having a hard time distinguishing between hunger and true, life-changing desire. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure it's ok to relax where I'm at, to stop pushing myself toward something I'm not sure I want but that I'm told I should need.

Let me explain.

I just spent a lot of money on a master's degree, and I'm not working in my field. Well, that's not totally true. I am working part-time as a reference librarian, but I am not actively pursuing full-time library work. Why? Librarian positions in Pittsburgh are being cut right and left due to budgetary woes. In truth, Pittsburgh really isn't the place to be if you want to be a librarian.

But, I like Pittsburgh.

I applied for positions in other cities earlier this year, but I've stopped applying since I started my full-time position at Unnamed-Non-Profit. Frankly, I have precious little free-time now, and I don't want to spend it on lengthy application procedures for jobs I'm lukewarm about that are in cities I'm not really excited about. I'd rather spend my time enjoying how happy I am with my life, exactly as it is...and a big part of that happy is my current job.

So that's where I've been, emotionally. Then, two weeks ago, this peace was suddenly shattered by the idea that I'm not doing enough to get a full-time job as a librarian. I started hearing more and more from friends that have gotten positions and are moving to new states. I found out about a position open at the library I currently work at, but it was not advertised and only one part-time employee was considered (obviously not me). Currently, I am in a sudden funk, thinking that I should be looking for a job, any job, as a full-time librarian, that I might be deluding myself that I'm actually happy right now as is, that I'm going to never use my degree, that it's just fear and laziness that's keeping me in Pittsburgh.

Honestly, I'm 99% sure this is just a reaction to what I think I should want, what is good for the person I'm told I should be by that little voice in my head that is lead around by Want instead of Desire. I don't feel like I'm performing up to snuff, even though I am rather happy. For that voice in my head, happy is never enough.

Truth be told? I could be lead around the world by true Desire- by my calling, by a dream that had to be fulfilled. I would and will and do follow my bliss to the best of my ability. Do I think that being a librarian is my Desire, is a key to unlocking my passions and true calling? No. Do I feel that being a librarian is a key factor in following my bliss? No...in all honesty, no. Following my bliss, living my truth, has more to do with my spiritual life and practices, how I conduct myself, my relationships with others, etc. than it has to do with library science.

I'm doing my best to live what Staceyann Chin would call a holy life- I want authenticity and a connection between who I am and what I do. The person who would uproot herself from a city and community and a job she was happy with to pursue a position she needed to quiet demons in her own head? That's not the person I want to be.

And yet, I wonder if all of this is an elaborate justification.

Eventually the pendulum will swing back...

2010-06-15T18:35:00.000-04:00

I'm a pretty harsh taskmaster.

I spent a good part of today berating myself for not getting up early to do pushups and situps and yoga. I spent a good part of yesterday telling my therapist about how I feel like a hypocrite for not living up to my own standards regarding relationships. Generally, I spend a good part of every day feeling like I should be doing more, producing more, getting farther, being kinder, arriving earlier, sleeping less, writing more...and the list goes on.

The problem? Well, aside from the anxiety, it's that I'm starting to bore myself. The dishes are always done and the bed is made and I've counted my calories I have it all together but all together is a freakin' snooze-fest. Perfectionism is stultifying and stagnating. Still, I know total chaos isn't much better...so what's a girl to do?

Balance is a bitch.

More Ink?

2010-06-13T20:52:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am saying this, but I am seriously contemplating getting a tattoo on my inner wrist that says the following:

"Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?"

I was pretty certain that I was done with tattooing after my back piece...but this idea keeps floating around my head. I also want to get "Know Thyself" tattooed underneath my labyrinth.

I will sit on this idea for about a year, methinks. That's enough time to see if I seriously want to add anything to my body art.

After a patently poopy Wednesday...

2010-06-10T09:47:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling better today.

Yesterday wasn't my best day. I had the beginnings of some sort of sinus infection/head cold/intolerable illness that gave me a mild fever and a horrible headache, and I also stumbled upon some news that reduced me to a little ball of green-eyed monster. I spent the day physically, mentally, and emotionally miserable.

Upside? The Physical: I got some rest, and I feel better today. The Mental/Emotional: I was very aware of the jealousy and really examined the thoughts that got me to that place. All this mindfulness work actually works- imagine that!

And, after the moment of understanding...

2010-06-07T09:54:00.001-04:00

Five steps forward, five steps back. :/

And now, a bit of the over-personal rambling...

2010-06-06T21:25:00.000-04:00

After dating for as long as I've been dating (15 years) I find it tempting to mentally create the perfect partner, to pine for a person who is the sum of all the qualities I can cherry-pick from previous partners. "Eventually, someone will show up that is as kind as _________ and as sexually adventurous as ____________ and as emotionally demonstrative as ___________ and as handsome as ____________ and as interested in spirituality as _______________" etc. etc. etc. and really? It doesn't work that way. Well, I truly hope it doesn't.

This post is sponsored by a very interesting conversation I had with S today over breakfast at Square Cafe*. She and I were having a long and deep conversation about romantic relationships, and she commented about how confident I am about what I deserve and who I want to be with romantically. My off-the-cuff response was that I learned to have high expectations of relationships after living with J...and I couldn't believe I said it, out loud, and that it was true...just as true as all the muck I had to wallow through to get out the other side of the long, dark tunnel of pain that was also our relationship.

Of course, there were many things that were non-optimal about the relationship...but there were good things, too. As with anyone, there were broken things and not-so-broken things and amazing, shiny things. To ignore any of it would be to not experience the full, bittersweet picture. In many ways, I will probably never have as good a partner as J...and in many ways, other partners will far surpass him. He is human, after all, just like me. I (like everyone else) am a piece of cake, a pie in the face, and all the stages in between.

I like my relationships this way. I like complex flavors, the depth created by some darkness, the moon peeking out from behind constantly moving clouds. To use a food metaphor: I find milk chocolate cloying; instead, I prefer the bitter of a good piece of dark chocolate. The taste encourages me stop and think; it gives me pause. I don't gobble it up right away because I want to taste all the nuances.

I think I would be bored to death if I found exactly what I was looking for in any area of my life. I also suspect that my sometimes-desire to find this Frankenstein Monster of Perfection is based in my fear that I won't be able to negotiate the choppy waters of Not Exactly What I Want. In truth, I'm pretty good at determining what differences I can tolerate, but I fear that I will end up somehow compromising on things that really matter, living in the dark tunnel instead of sometimes traveling through it, carrying out valuable lessons learned.

When I let go of that fear, I can see how exciting the unknown is, and how exciting each unknown person can be. What will I learn? What depth will be added to my character from our interactions? How will I be changed?

That last one is a biggie. Allowing myself to be changed...not just by another person, but by the living of life...that's sometimes hard. Who am I kidding, that's most-of-the-time hard. I have a sneaking suspicion that all of this fear is rooted in my denial of impermanence, specifically the impermanence of me, of this construction I call Self, of this shifting dance of I and me and mine. She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes...and that, to me, translates to groundlessness.

Scary? Exhilarating? Both?

Sweet Fancy Moses. Now there's the Work.

*Having said all of this, I think this post wasn't only prompted by my breakfast conversation but also by this post. It moved me to tears when I first read it, and has been on my mind for the past few days.

Movin' On Up...to Friendship

2010-06-03T22:34:00.000-04:00

It appears that my time in the Hag Hole (aka my wee basement abode) is coming to a close- I have signed on a new apartment that I will be sharing with a friend, B. It is going to be more cost effective to live with another person, and I will have the added bonus of having a person around to talk to, make food with, watch the dog, etc. I feel positive about the change, though I must admit some anxiety about moving to a new place and discovering all the previously hidden potential problems (leaky faucets, crappy neighbors and the like).

In truth, it's time for me to get less literal in my quest to carve out space for myself. My Hermit year fast approaches, and it feels totally appropriate to make this transition now.

More on this later!

2010-05-01T12:41:00.000-04:00

Take-away messages from last night:

1. If you don't want to do something, don't do it.

2. If you are upset, stop consuming alcohol.

3. Logical grievances appear ridiculous when aired while drinking.

Holy Shit, What a Quote!

2010-04-29T10:43:00.000-04:00

Anaïs Nin blows my mind.

"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." ~Anaïs Nin

A Good Therapist: Worth Her Weight in Gold

2010-04-27T00:35:00.000-04:00

I saw Annie (my therapist) today after not seeing her for about a month. It was great to report that life is good and that I feel healthy and centered.

I must admit, I do feel pretty darn fantastic. Not a manic-fantastic, the type that comes on quickly and is usually centered around circumstances, but a deep-in-the-gut fantastic that feels more like acceptance and quiet joy. It's been two years since I started therapy, and my life has changed dramatically. Though it hasn't been easy, therapy has been one of the (if not *the*) most rewarding experiences of my life.

Anyways, I spent most of my therapy session thanking Annie for being with me during such an important time, and for never giving up on me. She has been such an important piece of all the work that I've been doing, work that probably wouldn't have progressed very far if I hadn't had her around, prodding me to look deeply into my shit. I will always look to her as a person whose presence in my life was pivotal and integral to my growth.

Huzzah, Annie! You rock, and have helped me to rock, too!

Rattling About In My Head

2010-04-17T16:41:00.000-04:00

"Is there another destiny for you? Do you choose a road that will take you to a place foreign to your own becoming? This question is sincere, it is not meant to deceive. No matter which road you take, you will become; but all roads do not lead to your becoming. If you think they do, it is you, not I, who is given to deception. All of your roads will end in death. Not all roads lead to life." ~ Cynthea Jones, "Six Seeds" (Diana's Grove's 2010 April Mystery School packet, p. 4)

This quote is haunting me, and I know why. I'm trying to split my time between a road that leads to life and other roads. I would say I'm about 75% on the road I want to be on, and 25% of me is hanging out elsewhere. There's an obvious need to pause for an integrity assessment.

Heads Up!

2010-04-13T21:41:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have pulled a disappearing act. I've been rather busy as of late, trying to juggle a brand-new full-time job (that's hosting it's annual conference next week, yikes!), a part-time job (wherein I work 8:30pm-midnight two weekdays and 6pm-midnight on Sunday), and a new relationship. Life is good and very, very busy.

So, if you miss me, shoot me an email. I probably miss you too! :)

A Proper Update

2010-03-30T13:12:00.000-04:00

So, where to start. I guess I'll just start at the beginning, and when I come to the end, I'll stop.

Two Main Areas of Recent Change: Employment, Men-Folk

Employment:

I've been working part-time nights at a local university library, and I absolutely love it there. The environment is laid-back, my coworkers are awesome, and I'm gaining valuable experience in another academic environment. I can't say enough good things about working for this library.

I will be starting a full-time job on April 5th. No, it isn't a professional librarian position...or any position in a library. I will be working for a grassroots mental health advocacy organization as an administrator. Part of me feels weird that I finished a graduate degree in library science and am at another administration job...but to be fair, there are no professional librarian positions to be had in this fair city, employment has been difficult to obtain in other cities, and my heart is really set on staying in Pittsburgh. I feel really good about taking this position because 1) the organization seems interesting and the work is important 2) I will gain valuable non-profit administration and event planning experience, and 3) it's work I can feel good about at the end of the day. When I take my ego out of the equation, I am very pleased with how things turned out.

My overall plan is to keep working part-time for the library while working full-time, which will have me putting in 53 hours a week. This may be too exhausting (the library hours are pretty late) but I'm going to give it a shot, and hope that it is doable.

Menfolk:

After almost 2 years without any serious commitments to anyone, I have a boyfriend. Yes, people, I am exclusively dating someone. It is worth noting that I am not so freaked out by this change, as it is pretty sudden (we only dated for a little over a month before deciding to make it an official relationship) and we both have the normal sorts of baggage that people pick up in the "risking-loving-losing-loving again" game that is part of life as emotional and sexual beings. I suppose I just feel more stable now than I've ever felt before, and that stability is located inside of me instead of being buttressed from without. I'm confident that I'm going to keep to my boundaries and hold to my non-negotiables, and that also adds to my general feeling of calm.

So yeah...again, She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes...sometimes slowly, and sometimes faster than one expects. :P

Lou Andreas-Salomé on the nature of relationships...

2010-03-14T20:48:00.000-04:00

"Whoever reaches into a rosebush may seize a handful of flowers; but no matter how many one holds, it's only a small portion of the whole. Nevertheless, a handful is enough to experience the nature of the flowers. Only if we refuse to reach into the bush, because we can't possibly seize all the flowers at once, or if we spread out our handful of roses as if it were the whole of the bush itself -- only then does it bloom apart from us, unknown to us, and we are left alone." - Lou Andreas-Salomé

Conscious Choice

2010-02-18T13:36:00.000-05:00

Ask Much, The Voice Suggested
~ Jane Hirshfield, After ~

Ask much, the voice suggested, and I startled.
Feeling my body like the trembling body of a horse
tied to its tree while the strange noise
passes over its ears.
I who in extremity had always wanted less,
even of eating, of sleeping.
Agile, the voice did not speak again, but waited.
"Want more" --
a cure for longing I had not thought of.
But that is how it is with wells.
Whatever is taken refills to the steady level.
The voice agreed, though softly, to quiet the feet of the horse:
a cup taken out, a cup reappears; a bucketful taken, a bucket.

Some friendships are priceless, as they allow me to not only talk plainly about that which I am normally silent about, but also help build and expand upon my feelings and ideas, bringing coherence. My friendship with JH is one of those friendships. Talking on Monday night about moments of transition, moments that decide a path or a life, he used a metaphor that I really like: if one is riding a bike up a hill, coming to the crest, and needing to decide whether or not to continue down the other side of the hill, knowing the path would take off into the forest and most likely out of sight of the main road, what can be decided? It is possible to turn back at the crest, to ride back to the main road...but if one doesn't, if one continues down the path that leads out of sight of the pack, it can be done just because that's where the momentum leads...or it can be done with conscious choice.

This conversation couldn't have come at a better time. I've been feeling more than a bit alienated and lost lately- definitely like I'm off on a path through the forest. I can see down the hill in front of me, and I've been feeling like I couldn't do anything but just continue down the hill because the momentum was already carrying me down. Without thinking about my ability to choose, this ride was starting to feel overwhelming and scary. Thinking about choice, and remembering that I've been choosing this all along...well, it makes it less scary/more empowering. It reminds me of my purpose. I am hanging out in the air, reaching for the next trapeze bar, with purpose. I am choosing to grab the next bar, even though that means being suspended in the air, uncomfortable and uncertain.

Good friends and conscious choice for the win :)

She Changes Everything She Touches...

2010-02-10T11:25:00.000-05:00

Post Reclaiming Initiation:

Everything feels different. It seems appropriate to move with that energy and to let old forms die. A new beginning, a new chapter, a new blog.

Old, tired solar systems.

2009-11-21T23:28:00.003-05:00

I had an epiphany last night, while sitting at Dee’s, having a beer with a friend. I am the only one who can get rid of my Ambivalent Douchebag Orbit (henceforth referred to as ADO). ADO is defined as the set of not particularly irritating though not particularly endearing or entertaining set of men that don’t want to actually establish a friendship or relationship with me, but would rather appear once every few months via text messages or weird face-to-face encounters and then quickly disappear again, only to show up a few months later.

I’ve been thinking about my ADO lately, as I just definitively ended a relationship with a person that would have qualified as an ADO member, but instead somehow managed to get into a relationship with me. M and I dated for three months, and it was pretty clear after the first month that he wasn’t all that into it…and yet, he never let the relationship go. I made a break with him about two weeks ago, and then we had a weird limping along phase, wherein we were deciding what we were going to do (yes, I know, this was rather stupid). This Thursday, it ended, and after the show of ridiculous idiocy that was part of our evening (and really, part of the overall mood that was our relationship) I made a decision to not speak to him again. No, I wasn’t going to entertain the idea of being friends with him- he was hurtful (sometimes outright malicious in word and deed), childish, and not particularly compelling; it was clear that there was nothing more that I wanted from him. Thus, getting home from our dinner and yelling match, I removed him from my Facebook friends list and my phone and sent him a text telling him not to contact me and wishing him well.

I woke up yesterday feeling FANTASTIC. It was so freeing, just being done with this half-assed relationship that, for the past two months, had served only as a drain on my time, feelings and attention. (Of course, a few more texts came in during the morning, and while I first attempted to reason with him, I finally stated that I wanted him to respect my wishes and let me be…and thus far, he has.) Yesterday felt clean and good and light. I wasn’t sad yesterday, and I’m certainly not feeling sad today.

So, last night, after I had a voicemail that was delivered at 10:30pm from an ADO member who thought it was appropriate to call that late to “watch a movie”, and while I was getting text messages from another one of my ADO members about meeting up at the bar (he never did show up…shocker!) I knew what had to be done. Today, I am deleting all of my ADO members from my phone, and blocking them in my Gchat, and finally doing what I should have done long ago- dropping the dead weight. These people are sometimes hurtful, often childish, and not particularly entertaining. I’m not getting much from them in the way of friendship, and they’re generally just a drain on my time, feelings and attention. Not worth it!

Now, I’m off to go have a great day sans my old, tired solar system. Ciao!

Life goes on.

2009-10-24T23:29:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling pretty darn satisfied. Life is.

Specific thoughts:

1. Last year at this time, I was still waking up most mornings feeling depressed. Porky’s little face greeted me and licked away my tears. Now, I’m still greeted by licks, but I’m smiling. I have a solid sense of my own efficacy.

2. I cleaned my whole apartment yesterday from top to bottom; it really needed it. I’ve noticed that I wasn’t upset or anxious that it was less-than-perfectly-clean for so many weeks. Before, I would have jumped out of my skin before I would have let it get so dusty. I think this means I’m more content with being an imperfect person.

3. There have been some things going on in my personal life that are patently uncool…but while sitting at work on Thursday, I thought of the jellyfish, moving along where the currents go, in a way being an embodiment of letting go and just living what happens…and that made me laugh about my circumstances, which, in truth, are not that big of a deal. I then remembered Pema Chodron’s teachings on “no big deal”…the good, the bad, the challenging, the infuriating, the delightful… all of it really being “no big deal”.

4. In addition, I woke up this morning remembering the advice I got from a pagan friend when I was dithering about leaving my husband. “You’re a Witch. Act like one.” It was exactly what I needed to hear way back then…and exactly what I needed to remember today.

So yeah. Life is…and that is good.

Begin again the story of your life.

2009-10-12T23:30:00.000-04:00

Da Capo
By Jane Hirshfield

Take the used-up heart like a pebble
and throw it far out.
Soon there is nothing left.
Soon the last ripple exhausts itself
in the weeds.
Returning home, slice carrots, onions, celery.
Glaze them in oil before adding
the lentils, water, and herbs.
Then the roasted chestnuts, a little pepper, the salt.
Finish with goat cheese and parsley. Eat.
You may do this, I tell you, it is permitted.
Begin again the story of your life.

As I learn to keep more still, to let life unfold instead of forcing certain happenings, I find myself freaking out every once in a while. Am I going to wake up ten years from now, regretting that I wasn’t more demanding, more inclined to force my way through situations? Is my attitude going to get me into some sort of unforeseen trouble? Will I wake up at 65 wondering what the fuck I did with my life, lamenting that turning point in my late twenties when I decided to stop running?

I guess I’m most concerned that I’ll wake up one day with large regrets…but that’s a worry that’s not really grounded in my own identity; it more closely describes the experiences of my family of origin, particularly my mother’s experiences. *I* don’t really have any regrets thus far, at least none that come blaring into my headspace right now. In my quiet moments, I’m not terribly tense about what the next few years will bring. Because of my upbringing, I relate constant tension to investment, particularly emotional investment. Thus, this lack of tension makes me my gut uneasy, and I wonder if I’m really getting the hang of having a healthy attitude, or if I’m somehow checking out and just not caring as much as I “should”.

I comfort myself with reminders that I’m a person who knows, in her heart, when big decisions need to be made, when life’s little irritations are truly large issues, when there really is a monster under the bed. I remind myself that I’m a girl who is covering a large distance with small steps. Thus far, my comforting statements are true. I think getting acquainted with my fear of the unknown is helping, too. Instead of grasping for something to give the illusion of security, I’m becoming better at just dealing with uncomfortable uncertainty.

So I guess, for me, the difference between this state of patient observation and my previous states of unhealthy settling is a freedom from obsession and attachment to outcomes. As soon as those words hit the page, I can think of at least 100 times in the last week that I was consumed with attachment and obsession… and that elicits a smile.
What fun it is to be a work in progress.

Epiphinated

2009-04-24T23:32:00.001-04:00

I just realized something gigantic.

Always falling for people who couldn’t commit/who were emotionally distant was *my* commitment issue- I used to do it because I was scared of a real, both-feet-in-for-both-parties relationship. A real relationship would require bona fide work, which is much harder than the drama of the chase.

Huh. Epiphanies- they sneak up on me sometimes.

Mission: Cut the Fat

2009-04-06T23:33:00.003-04:00

It has become apparent to me that this is not the point in my life during which I should hang onto that which is not working, be it an idea, a practice, or a relationship. Sentimentality isn’t getting the job done here- I need to radically assess what enhances my life, what detracts from it, and cut the fat so as to make room for better, more robust opportunities.

I need to be a better CEO; the Lora corporation deserves it.

Two more months to go!

2009-04-03T23:34:00.001-04:00

On June 5th, I will have spent a year and a day as an independent gal. I can’t believe I made it this far. Pandora was right, though- it has changed me, moved me more toward center, planted my feet firmly on the ground.

The challenge has shifted, though, from one of abstaining through unhealthy desires to abstaining though already pretty damn whole. I would say for at least the first 9 months, my desire for a relationship was a desire to complete my self through another person. That desire was really strong, as it was extremely hard work to birth a solid, substantial me. Now, I feel pretty damn solid, pretty damn substantial…and I still have two more months to go. I feel this work is the capstone- I get to learn the meaning of fulfilling a vow to myself simply because I made it. It is the work of becoming a woman who keeps her word, especially when she’s promised something to herself.

This year has been a form of walking meditation- I am more present to each and every twinge and desire to lose myself in relationship, to build flying buttresses around my house of self, and even the occasional desire to build that self into a fortress instead of a home. The desire to wall myself off has been great, and I’ve had a few missteps, potentially confusing friendly faces with those that are not so friendly, and vice versa. Each triumph and tumble have helped me learn.

Right now, I’m focusing on tending my garden- making it a beautiful place, pulling the weeds, confident that eventually I will feel ready for visitors….but not yet. Not just yet.

Lora Warming

2008-10-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

I guess I’ve been stepping out of my emotional deep-freeze so slowly that I didn’t even notice that I’ve thawed.

First things first? Therapy is, without a doubt, saving my life. Without it, I don’t think I would have survived the last few months with and the continued onslaught of drastic changes. Since June, I’ve broken up with a partner, moved, started grad school, and found out that my mother has cancer. That’s a lot to deal with in 5 months.

The more subtle thing that therapy has done for me is what I want to talk about, because though it is subtle, it is very, very crucial to my being able to live a whole and happy life. Therapy has helped me crack through some very bitter layers that were calcifying around my soul. The process has allowed me to look at my self and others in new ways. It has brought me to today, a day in which I realized that I still believe in love and commitment and caring. I do believe that we can nurture both our own selves and others and not get lost in the process. I still think it is possible for people to be committed to themselves, to others, to living a full and examined and honest life.

Through some magical/alchemical process, I’m transforming despair into hope…and it is messy and tear-stained and sometimes full of laughter but it is real.

Seriously? 12 Years?

2008-08-19T23:37:00.002-04:00

“Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person.”- Gloria Steinem

I was just thinking about where I’m currently at romantically after the Big Move of ‘08, and I realized something:

This is the only time I can remember in the last 12 years where I wasn’t in a relationship, pursuing a relationship, or infatuated with a boy.

I am somewhat appalled and somewhat fascinated. Going back just through my twenties, I dated Dane for three years, then dated and married Justin and was with him for 3 1/2 years, and then dated and lived with Jon for almost three years….no real breaks between them. From 16 to 19, I dated Bill and then after we broke that off for the third time I was involved in a lot of short, casual relationships…but I never took a break from being in love, or looking for a relationship, or being interested in a boy.

No wonder I have novels in my head that haven’t been written. No wonder I have paintings I haven’t painted and books I haven’t read and hobbies that I haven’t taken seriously. I’ve made the pursuit or the maintenance of love relationships a large part of my life for, well, the whole of my adult life. Yes, love relationships are important, but I can say now, and with a clear head, that not taking a break between relationships (at least between my major relationships with Dane and Justin and Jon) and always wanting to have someone to focus my attentions on wasn’t healthy for me in the past. Pursuit has taken me away from me, away from my own thoughts and desires, projects and plans. Pursuit is a really convenient way for me to avoid my own life.

So yeah, I spent 12 years looking for the right person. I’m going to try being the right person for a while, and we’ll see how that goes.

Ramblings on intimacy

2008-08-17T23:38:00.004-04:00

Intimacy is not easy. It is not a feather flying on the wind. Intimacy is more like an ox plowing a field.

In general, it is easier to not be intimate, to not require things of others or allow requirements to be put upon the self; that is why the first flush of friendship or love appears light and freeing- there are no burdens to bear for each other. When a relationship is new, those that are in it are like wanderers who meet upon the road. There isn’t anything that they must carry for one another, as they have just met, and wouldn’t presume to give their hardships to a virtual stranger- thus, all that exists is the simple joy of piecing through the other’s baggage, playing at show and tell, bringing out the best treasures, learning what is inside the more glamorous packages. If the relationship is to continue, eventually the two travelers must get up and move on together; moving together, as a team, they will have to acknowledge and deal with the full load that the other carries. It cannot be avoided.

We may not realize that no matter how lightly we tread when first relating to a new person, eventually our interactions will pile up, multiply, and create the heft of living in relationship. Eventually, there will be requirements. Difficult things will be asked for. Expectations and obligations, often both joyful and painful, will sprout. On a long journey, we may be asked to shoulder things that are cumbersome, awkward, or downright maddening.

Intimacy is heavier than most of us would like it to be.

Choosing my own adventure.

2008-07-20T23:39:00.004-04:00

I trust my therapist; I think that’s why I’m ok with going down this road toward healing, a road that’s been getting steeper and more terrifying with every step.

Dr. Annie is great. She listens to what I have to say, but she definitely doesn’t let me run the therapy session, and that’s something I value; I am savvy enough to skirt around my blind spots and larger issues, and she just doesn’t let me do that- she’s very adept at steering me back to talking about the things I’m avoiding (consciously or subconsciously). She reminds me of a herding dog, but don’t tell her I said that.

Anyways, last week was a breakthrough sort of week. I went to see Annie with a mouthful of things to say, and they poured out of me in a pretty steady stream- what I was thinking about J, how I had figured out parts of our dynamic, things that were wrong, things that were becoming right, etc. I finished up my diatribe by asking her how I could stop getting involved with men that are emotionally distant, how I could avoid getting into a relationship in which I feel a need to “help” my partner (I have a track record).

Instead of giving me advice or answers, she asked me what I got out of my interactions with emotionally unavailable men- she kept asking things like “Why do you hold onto relationships like that?” and “What do you get out of feeling like you need to help your partner?” etc. I kept thinking, and thinking, and finally, it hit me.

I *do* get something out of these relationships, something very important to me. When I’m in a relationship that I’m not satisfied by, I’m not really in a relationship at all, and that makes me feel safe. If the man I’m with is emotionally distant, or if I feel like I need to “help” him become more outgoing or creative or whatever for our relationship to truly be at it’s full potential, I’m not really in the relationship, inside it, being loved and loving. When I’m in these “helper” relationships, I’m simultaneously totally focused on the other person in the relationship (How can I get So-And-So to be more ______________? How can I work on our problems? Maybe if I just work harder at _________, things will get better) and distanced from being in the relationship by my intellectual analysis. I feel completely and totally absorbed and yet I am not present because of that absorption, if that makes sense. When I am not present, I am safe- I get to stand outside of the experiment, playing the role of the invested yet distanced researcher; I may not be happy, but at least I’m not totally invested, totally me, present to myself and my needs, not trying to heal someone else, not trying to be perfect for someone else, not trying to carry someone else’s burdens for them. It seems terrifying to just relax into being me, to not bear the whole of the responsibility for the relationship. By being so absorbed in what I feel I need to do to be loved, I never stop to think about the sort of person I would want to love. I keep chugging along like the Little Engine That Could…if he was all cracked out and co-dependent.

After I said all of this to Annie, she smiled and said, “Does this remind you of your mother’s relationship with your father? She’s so focused on how he’s ruined her life so she never has to look at her own responsibilities to herself, her own decision to stay engaged in a relationship with him. Who really ruined your mother’s life?”

What can I say to that? That’s painfully true.

So I have all of this new information to chew on. I have a new way of looking at my own role in my unsatisfying relationships.

Now I get to start figuring out what to do with all of this. I am scared shitless, but I’m going to find my way out. Right now, I’m rewriting the choose-your-own-adventure book that is my life, and the choices are going to be healthier, dammit.

2008-03-31T23:43:00.002-04:00

The Pea

She is buried.
Pressed by the weight of muffling mattresses,
Small and insistent, the knot in my neck come morning,
Dreams of half-eaten marzipan passions
Lying dormant under strata of excuses
She is buried, alive.
Is that all that is left, a tiny seed of wild life poking into my slumber?
Don’t give up, little one.
I’ll remember I’m a princess.

Avoidance and Meaning

2008-03-18T23:54:00.004-04:00

I just finished my first read-through of the Diana’s Grove Mystery School Pisces packet, and I can’t get these lines out of my head:

“Just do the work that is before you to do, ” she said. “When is your search for meaning simply avoidance? When is your search for a calling a way to ignore the prayer that stands before you?”

Wow. That hit me, hard. I can think of so many times when I want to look past what is right in front of me, what I can make right in front of me, in search of a calling, a “greater” thing, “more meaningful” work. I think of all the times that I rush through the day-to-day interactions, trying to get them out of the way so that I can….what? Wait on a revelation? Search for something I don’t have that I need, I must have, to make a difference? Yes, probably, certainly- I have done that. I continue to do it. I have ignored the prayer of my days, the prayer of the moments of my life. In longing for an excellent moment, I miss out on the chance to make my moments excellent.

I feel called to focus- on my moments, on each step, each dish I wash, each piece of laundry I fold, each conversation I have. I want to make each moment sacred, each small task and process a testament to my devotion to the song of life (can you hear my Virgo Moon speaking to you?). And yet, I know at times I spin away into searching for more- a larger role, a grand place where I am handed my own meaning (that’s my Leo Sun). When I am truthful with myself, I know that that moment of brilliance may never come. I know and yet I still succumb to the dream. I have a 12th house.

The question that has been helpful to me is not “How do I stop avoiding?” but “How can I notice that I’m avoiding?” I don’t have the whole answer…but I know that, for me, it lies on a path that starts with listening to my breath, noticing my behavior patterns, questioning my stories, and as the bartender in the packet says, doing the work of not looking away. Yikes.